my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain