my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.