My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
No Google it does not
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Breaking news:
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children