My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack