Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus