@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other

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@KenJennings

Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@Rollinintheseat

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@buddhatree

Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.

@TheOnion

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

@TheBoydP

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

@shwebby3

Did some Doomsday Prepping today

Have enough food for 71 minutes

@HousewifeOfHell

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.