@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other

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@UncleDuke1969

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@secondofhername

[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.

@Marlebean

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@truegritrumble

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”