
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
5 kinds of fear:
– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”