[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze