My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery