@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

You Might Also Like

@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@TuSoonShakur

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe

@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

@QwertyJones3

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.

@NoogsCorner

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@ZachSvobodny

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills