My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
That eye roll….
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
the composer
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY