@Pundamentalism
@1BigMick
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
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@1BigMick
@TuSoonShakur
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
@BuckyIsotope
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
@ddsmidt
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
@ItsAndyRyan
Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe
@UncleDuke1969
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
@QwertyJones3
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty
[at BBQ]
Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.
He hated bratwurst.
@NoogsCorner
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
@ZachSvobodny
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills