@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

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@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@arealliveghost

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@ramenfuneral

somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman

@TheNardvark

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

@ThaJawn

Me: Off to adult school recess!

Boss: it’s called lunch..

Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands