My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
They’re called werewolves.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre