My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
Me: Off to adult school recess!
Boss: it’s called lunch..
Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands