Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*