@scot7a

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

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@lovstructionist

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@iwearaonesie

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

@ilovepie84

My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

@AshleyFrankly

Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.

@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

@_ElvishPresley_

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

@SortaBad

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*