MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
love it when they get my name right