My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”