If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.