my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

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[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you


MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now


Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.


All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.


My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.


“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.


I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.


Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.


I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it