@hippieswordfish
You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter
@eddytheaxe
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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@hippieswordfish
@riralovex
Nvm = you should have listened when I was talking to you.
@WilliamAder
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
@nealbrennan
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
@markydoodoo
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
@broken_rhi
Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it
@GrillyJoel
INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?
ME: are
INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit
@joeljeffrey
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
@notfunnyelle
I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook
@BigJDubz
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?