@eddytheaxe

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

You Might Also Like

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@riralovex

Nvm = you should have listened when I was talking to you.

@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@markydoodoo

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@GrillyJoel

INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit

@joeljeffrey

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook