@eddytheaxe

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

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@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

@markleggett

I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys