Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I’m disappointed to see that a lot of women are using “period tracker apps” now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
ME: I have so many questions
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
LMFAO THE NAVY OUT THEIR DAMN MINDS