Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
God, I love Scotland
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Time heals everything 🙂
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️