My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.