Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My love language is deader than Latin
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Very good news from my accountant
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Nice try, NASA
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind