My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
the answer was staring at me all along
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one