My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.