My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name