[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
this has to be peak English
My last name is Zilla.