@SirAustinOfDunn

My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@DavidKrap

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@TheAlexNevil

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

@GimmeDemTxTacos

Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?

@AlisonAgosti

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

@psybermonkey

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@GrantTanaka

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.