@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.

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@3sunzzz

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

@Voiceofgarth

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.

@robyn_vo

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.