My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My girlfriend is like my bike.
Some black guy stole her from me too.
You Might Also Like
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“Meh” -apathetic cow