Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
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Biden: Okay.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
(True)
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.