My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.

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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry


Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.


DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple


I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.


Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.


I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.