Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.