My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough