@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

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@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@RickAaron

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake