My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.