my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022