@YeahDrewisOn

My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy

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@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@ManicMinxy

Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@TheAlexP

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

@TweetsByKaylee

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@JessObsess

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

@paminski

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778