@YeahDrewisOn

My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy

You Might Also Like

@_AlexHirsch

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@MaverickBistro

If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@ClichedOut

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

@justinbieber

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol

@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”