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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
それは草
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*