Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My girlfriend is:
– super sweet
– light as a feather
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”