My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy

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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years


friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?


50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid


If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse


Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????


HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed


Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol


“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics


I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”