One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.