My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*