The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record