My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I know
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Brilliant!
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.