@_xLNc

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

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@poetastrologers

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

@wolfpupy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

@MoneypennyNaked

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

@TheAndrewNadeau

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

@JayUhOh

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

@degg

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

@SCbchbum

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

@tweetsvisual

I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.