My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
This classic never gets old . . .
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.