My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

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I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*


People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.


1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.


Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.


6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.


yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird


Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.


Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud


Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.