My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

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Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name


“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.


7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.


22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!


My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.


Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive


Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car



I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi