My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids