My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
#have a #great #PancakeDay
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.