Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You Might Also Like
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Pickled cat.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.