@AntoKenya

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

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@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@david8hughes

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

@AsgardianRose

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

@junejuly12

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him