@AntoKenya

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

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@dril

if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

@ItsAndyRyan

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

@jazmasta

Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?

@Angibangie

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@heyitsJudeD

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

@moose_chocolate

This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@redheadsunite05

Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.