My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

You Might Also Like


if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war


Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.


Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?


Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.


Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to


Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.


Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.