“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
50% off moms tomorrow!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him