My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives


Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.


(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*


Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.


“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning


cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him