My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
LA today:
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night