I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My love language is deader than Latin
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year