My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
😂🤣😂🤣
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Natty or not?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.