I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
White Castle for the Win
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*