My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
The best shot in the history of golf
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.