I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
decorating my apartment
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.