Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.