My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.