My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

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Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*


I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.


S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.


Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.


Apparently, “he’s an army officer” isn’t the correct response to “who’s your daddy”.


An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.


Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.


ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious