@iwearpajamas

My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

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@Jeffwni

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

@LittleMissLizz

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@Roohani19

Apparently, “he’s an army officer” isn’t the correct response to “who’s your daddy”.

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious