I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.