My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they鈥檙e ready
Her: oh my god i鈥檓 so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he鈥檚 gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I still don鈥檛 unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it鈥檚 a recorder
Prince: I鈥檓 deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Hi, I鈥檓 pleased to announce that I鈥檝e arrived just in time to make everything worse
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
ME: Table鈥able doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please