My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
nature’s most graceful animal
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
moms in horror movies
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.