My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.