Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Somebody call the cops.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.