My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Great Canadian literature.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”